Proud to be a bitch

Take B-I-T-C-H from a woman, and what’s left of her?? A helpless man!

Yes ladies, don’t be ashamed to throw attitude each time things don’t go your way. Claw your way to success and screw that waiter for bad service and burn the house of the man that broke your heart.

Bitchiness is what makes a woman wholesome. Because B stands for Babelicious, I stands for Integrity, T stands for Total Annihilation, C stands for Carnage and H stands for Hell Raiser.

Bitchiness allows a woman to exercise her rights to be temperamental, sarcastic, aggressive, pushy and hostile without having to make excuses for herself. Ask a man why he’s yelling at the car park attendant and he’ll reply you he had a fall out with a co-worker and his day is fucked. Ask a woman this and she’ll answer you back, why the hell not??

There is a book called Why Men Love Bitches, so you see ladies, men do love us. Now why are men drawn to someone bitchy, let’s face it, he has no balls of his own and relies on a strong, self empowered woman for strength. Yes, if we can pop a 7 ½ pounds baby out of our vagina, we can rule the world.

So the next time, someone comes up to you and says you are one hell of a bitch, look at them straight in the eye and say thank you!

How was my day, you ask?

I was watching Asia Uncut, and Harith Iskandar was interviewed and he said ask a woman how was her day, and she WILL tell you. That was funny.

That is true. Ask a man how was his day, he would say the clients were not too happy with the presentation and he had lunch with his boss to discuss 2 accounts that were not doing too well and that’s it. Oh well, he might add that the steak he ordered was cooked very well and suggest we go there sometime.

Now, ask a woman how was her day, is like opening a can of worms. Be prepared for a 15 minute uninterrupted solo communication on how her day went.

Mine always starts with, Oh my god, you know what happened? Sometimes when I say that, I look into my bf’s eyes and can tell he really doesn’t want to know but I decide ignorance is always bliss in instances like this.

So I proceed to tell him how some bitch cut me off while I was driving and nearly caused me an accident and when I reached the car park, the silly attendant had no change and that annoyed me. While walking to office, I bumped into Sarah and she was telling me of the MNG sale, which reminds me we have to go there for awhile after dinner, I want to check if that grey maxi dress is still available.

So back to my day, when we headed off to the office, I got pissed with my HR dept because they did not calculate my commission and when I went to speak to them they pushed to me to the payroll, by then I was so angry I gave Rebecca from payroll a earful.

Work load was alright but the secretary screwed up my files but because she’s pregnant I excused her. Btw, guess what I found out? Peter and Jane hooked up last nite. Michelle came to my table and said she saw them holding hands, of course when she asked them about it today, they completely denied it, but honestly I have seen them taking lunches and occasionally working late together, there should be something, I have to investigate that now.

Michelle, Sarah and I decided to go to KLCC for lunch so I went to Starbucks and got a salad, we went to look for shoes after that but there were too many people so we decided to skip it.

After that, work was not too bad, just some calls from disgruntled clients and I had to sort it out. Then had a meeting with the boss to discuss the marketing plans for the next quarter. Thank heavens boss was in a good mood so it went alrite. Then Kathy came over with some biscuits she got from London. Goodness they were so yummy and there goes my diet.

After that my boss called me in to discuss the budgets and by the time it was done it was already 6pm and time to head home. The guys invited me out for a drink but I told them I was having dinner with you. Oh, Jane says hi by the way.

So, the next time you ask a girl how was her day….well let’s just say you have been warned.

Transition

Ladies and gentlemen, we have come a long way from the cave days. Let’s take a look at our history, where our foremothers had struggled for the rights that we enjoy today. From the time they fought for women’s suffrage to the historical movement of throwing bras, high-heeled shoes, false eyelashes, girdles, makeup and corsets into the ‘Freedom Trash Can’. On the contrary to the popular belief, there was no burning involved because a permit could not be obtained. Yes I’m serious!

In the 1950’s, we started out fat, contented and domesticated. Everything was about family, baking and household chores. Our personal and professional identities were than defined by a male-dominated society. Then came the sexual revolution of the late 1960’s, women became more aware of Freud’s sexual studies and Lady Chatterley was arousing our hibernated senses. 1970’s witnessed the Hare Rama movement, Flower Power and the hippie culture, where sex, drugs and psychedelic rock were glorified

The 1980’s saw a sharp rise in women’s enrollment into college in graduate studies and of course the first woman to become UK’s first Prime Minister - Margaret Thatcher. And the 1990’s and 2000’s as we know it was the rise of Oprah Winfrey, Hillary Clinton, Sonia Gandhi, Condoleezza Rice, Carly Fiorina. Women have become more empowered, determined and strong willed. We are no longer reduced to cooking, cleaning and producing but have ventured into fields that would leave our ancestors brimming with pride.

What can I say, its been such a glorious journey for us, let’s celebrate this by calling our girlfriends, having a pajama party and reading the bible together…nah kidding stock the fridge with loads of alcohol and get drunk!

Bubble bath the ultimate luxury

What do we all crave for after an arduous day? A nice warm bubble bath with lavender oil, a head pillow, surrounded with candles, soft music, rose petals, a bottle of wine and James Franco giving you a nice foot massage. Well if James is not available, you can always get a rubber ducky or a book.

What is it about a bubble bath that soothes your senses and puts you in that zen mode? And why is it only women have bubble baths? Perhaps, men do too but are still in the closet about it.

The only detriment to a bubble bath is maintaining its temperature. After awhile of soaking yourself in the tub, the temperature starts to drop. My school teacher once told me that soaking in a bathtub is not her cup of tea because the dirt would also be floating in the tub. What an ugly picture to paint for such a sensual portrayal.



I visited my friend’s apartment after she had it furbished. My friend has a flair for the interior decoration although by day she’s a lawyer by profession. I remember her bathroom. It’s one room I wouldn’t mind renting and living in! It had spot lights, with mirrors all around and a hint of Balinese in it. Perfect!

A bubble bath should be long, dreamy, and luxurious. Don’t insult it by dipping in for 10 minutes and coming out quickly. If that’s the case, the pleasure of a bubble bath is not meant for you.

So what reasons I can think of for having a bubble bath? A nice way to bond with your partner, a good stress reliever, the best way of spending some lone time or a good reason to finish your book. In fact there could be no reason at all. Just soak yourself in and you have set yourself up for Nirvana.

Every woman needs this, in fact I would recommend men to start jumping into the bandwagon. Speaking of which, I need to go now, I have a bubble bath waiting for me.

Seeking perfection

So just how many of us are contented with our bulging tummies, thunder thighs, crow’s feet, flabby arms and love handles?

Exactly, none of us!

In the 1950’s voluptuous bodies were thought to be sexy and acceptable, and then came the first dreaded advertising campaign- the start of body consciousness. Marketers took this advantage to promote thin being beautiful and 40 years later we are still striving for that perfect body.

But what exactly is a perfect body? Tell any woman she’s not fat and she would smile at you in disbelief.

What has affected our esteem? Cosmetic companies, slimming companies, couture dresses everything is marketed to tell you, you are not pretty enough and you could lose that extra 5 lbs.

Luckily what God cannot give you, a doctor can. Women are resorting to various treatments and surgeries just to stay young and fabulous, but can we actually turn the clock against aging? Well, if you make obscene amount of money like Angelina Jolie, you can I guess

But where does this take us then? The condition Body Dysmorphic Disorder is diagnosed as a person who is excessively concerned by an imagined or minor defect and ultimately becomes addicted to plastic surgery like the case of the Korean woman so obsessed with plastic surgery she injected herself with cooking oil when she couldn’t afford anymore surgery

Where would vanity take you? In London, you can get a bull sperm hair treatment and that’s not bullocks ladies, the Japanese Uguisu made out of nightingale excrement is gaining popularity in spas in NY and Bioforskning a Norwegian company uses spermine in their facial treatment.

Let’s get real, when I say I wanna get down and dirty I don’t mean having jizz all over my face.

Look its bad enough we have low self esteem when we see stick thin androgynous models strut themselves in Gucci dresses, do we need to further add insult to injury by applying poop and cum on our faces to feel good.

Wake up women!!!

Coffee...the substance we can’t live without

For those coffee addicts, you can survive without love, clothes, shoes, a bottle of Carlsberg or a grilled trout but can you smile when you open the cabinet only to realize the coffee is finished? And that sums up your mood for the day…fucked!

My ex used to have about 5 cups a day and so does my housemate; and to be sure she NEVER runs out of coffee. She has 2 spare bottles in the kitchen drawer.

So, let’s explore coffee….in its mission to conquer the world it has seeped into every gourmet meal/dessert laid on a table not to mention the variety of coffees available - Hazelnuts, Mocha, Espresso, Latte, Black, Macchiato, Cappuccino, Americano. You also have you have the strong, regular, decaf, light, Gold, Arabica sold in the supermarkets and if that wasn’t enough they have it in ice creams, cakes and biscuits

I must say, the one that knocked my socks off was the Civet Coffee also known as Kopi Luwak. The Civet is known to choose ripe coffee beans for their afternoon snack and while these beans are going through its digestive tracks it is combined with its saliva passing from the mouth through the intestinal track adding ‘flavour’ to the coffee otherwise also known as its shit to me.

And this is known to be a popular drink in Vietnam and exported to other countries where the suckers have no idea where their beans are coming from

Coffee for me? No thanx, I’ll just have my vodka neat..hic!

Michael you will be missed

As you are laid to rest today, I look back at the fond memories I had of you. My first song was Beat It. My first crush was you. You brought me into a world of fantasy with your creative videos and created beats that reverberated around the world with popularity to this day.

I now wish we were kinder to you, gentler, more compassionate towards your plight. We took you for granted because we never in our wildest dreams would think an icon could be mortal.

You were young and delicate at heart and we made a mockery of that. Your immense contribution to the music world became a platform to generation of artists to come. Your contribution to the plight of humanity only reflected the compassionate man you were.

You cared about us but we neglected you.

As I sit here struggling to find words to describe the impact you made on our generation, I can simply say I’m at loss for words.

I wished things took a different turn for you but it didn’t. So I and millions of your fans out there sincerely wish that you find peace and joy in your afterlife because truly Michael you deserve it.

We love you and you will always be cherished in our hearts.

High infidelity

If you are not cheating then you are 1 in a billion people out there (ok that's exaggerating). How do people get attracted to others when they are married or already in a relationship? Beats me. However, I believe it can happen. Can you eat Vanilla ice cream everyday for the rest of your life? Nope, you will eventually switch to Strawberries or Chocolates. I know people (married and non) who have occasionally taken this road to perdition and do so without remorse.

Look if you know you can’t hold your pants down for only one woman/man, why in the freaking place get hooked up? As always men believe that its their instinct to hunt while women just stay in caves waiting to prepare the meal. Well wake up and smell the Channel No. 5 because women are no longer sitting and waiting in their caves but speaking to developers, converting them into high end neighbourhoods and starting a catering a business on the side while the Neanderthals we call men are living in delusion.

I googled how to have an affair and to my utter horror, there’s more than 16 pages dedicated to how to cheat on your spouse without getting caught.

So let’s have a bit of fun on what we can do to theses cheating dickheads, I wouldn’t suggest killing them as that would end the thrill a bit too soon, we need to make them suffer just a little bit (understatement of the year)

Max out their credit cards

Burn all their expensive clothes

Sell their prized possessions for 5 dollars

Scratch their cars

Pour water into their petrol tank

Paint their windshields black

Send a message on the radio or facebook

Leave termites in the house

Stuff fresh prawns under the bed so the rotting smell is enough for them to feel nausea

Send nasty pictures of him to his office mates or load it up on facebook and tag him to it

Well, feel free to send in more punishments if you have any creative ones

The author wishes to acknowledge that as much as there’s jerks out there cheating on their partners, there’s also women who are doing the same with no guilt

Women are from Venus and Men are from Toilets

After dating for six months, Denise posed the one dreaded question to Jasper

Denise: So how do you define our relationship?

Jasper: Its fun, I’m having a great time, you are having a great time, we should do this more often

Denise: No I mean, where do we go from here?

Jasper: We can catch GI Joe at the mall. I sure hope you are a fan; I’ll pick you up tomorrow say 8?

Denise: Why are you being facetious about this relationship?

Jasper (thinking): What does facetious mean??

Denise (thinking): I blew it, he doesn’t like me now and he’s not going to call. We are having our first couple’s fight

Jasper (thinking): Is she upset because I finished her dessert? Maybe she doesn’t like me eating off her plate

Denise (thinking): I don’t get it, we shared a dessert, it was the most personal thing I have done with him and he doesn’t seem to care

Jasper (thinking): Hmm….what was that dessert called? Boy, that was a damn good one. I think it was creamy brul or crepe bulle. Sigh, these French people never make it easy on us. Hmm….will have to go for it again

Denise (thinking): I should have seen this coming, he doesn’t want a serious commitment or maybe I am just having too many high expectations. He’s a nice guy even if he’s not perfect and I should know there’s no such thing as a knight in shining armour. I shouldn’t lose everything I have now because of my ideals of what a perfect romance should be like. I have to wait for him to be ready to come out of his shell. I really do like him so much and I can see us having a wonderful church marriage with 5 kids living in a ranch somewhere in the distant future.

Jasper (thinking): Gosh, Denise’s short skirt is turning me on

Jasper: You wanna over come to my place?

Denise (thinking): HE WANTS ME!!! He’s just too scared to say it too soon

Denise: Yes!

Jasper (thinking): Alright, I’m getting laid tonite!!

The next morning, Jasper drops Denise home. Denise calls her best friend Tracy and tells her everything. It’s a 3 and half hour conversation of precise details of what took place. Everything is analysed, every gesture is broken down into and every thing Jasper says is reexamined. What he thought, how he felt and where this relationship is heading?

Jasper calls his buddy Jay for beers and Jay asks Jasper if he got lucky last nite and Jasper’s replies, ‘Hooya! I scored!!’