Thursday, September 24, 2009

Cinderella …the modern day version

And so one day….Danielle’s dad left her mom to marry his secretary after they were caught doing some major, intensive workouts in the office. Soon, Danielle’s mom and dad were embroiled in a bitter custody battle until the dad decided to pay the mom off and Danielle was soon shipped over with dad and secretary to Belle Air

Now Danielle was the quiet sort of girl, she didn’t have many friends either. Frankly it was because she had bad breath and every time she opened her mouth, a fly died!

When she turned 17, everything had changed. The father left the family for another secretary and she was stuck with her step mom and 2 really hot sisters.

And soon prom came and no one asked Danielle to be their date…sucky. She was hoping for the school’s hottie Sean to ask her out but he was too busy hooking up with her step sister who happened to have brains, personality, fresh breath, a killer body and good looks and co-incidentally the school’s cheerleader. Another brownie point for the step sister!

So on prom nite with no date, Danielle decided to stay home. But she quickly changed her mind when her mom staggered home drunk with a beefy construction worker named Tim around her arm. She knew she had to leave the house when she overheard the stepmom slur, ‘let’s get you out of this clothes right now, my girls ain’t home’

Danielle hurriedly looked for something decent to wear but alas her closet was only filled with jeans and t-shirts. She rushed over to her step sisters’ rooms and well ….they were locked.

And so she made a wish, a wish for her to be able to find the perfect dress and head to prom and meet her knight in shining armour.

And so she waited…..and waited, it was almost 10 and she was still waiting.

Meanwhile, in fairyland, there was a union strike as the fairy godmothers were tired of fulfilling everyone’s own desires except their own – to have time for their own spa, medi and pedi cures, body wraps and facials. They were tired of looking like beaten old and wrinkled grandmothers but wanted to spot a more youthful appearance. So, as you can see, there was really no one there to hear Danielle’s wish…except for one.

Her name was Samantha. She was a single and unemployed mother of 5 kids. Kicked out of her last job as a cocktail waitress for flirting with another married woman in front of her husband, Samantha was determined to try out for the temporary filling of fairy godmother post while the union was still on.

And so off she went to visit Danielle. Poof! She appeared.

Danielle: Wo dude! Who are you?

Samantha: I’m your fairy god sista. I heard you wanted to head to a prom?

Danielle: Yeah!! So you gonna help me?

Samantha: That depends, have you been a good girl or a bad girl?

Danielle: Isn’t that Santa’s line? Oh well, definitely good. I study all the time. Do my homework, get straight A’s, no boyfriends, no sex, no smoking, no drinking and I’ve never touched a joint in my life.

Samantha: Shit! You have been a bad girl then. Ok look, i need this job to feed my kids, so let’s drop all formalities and get you fixed up for the prom.

Danielle: Cool, ok I was hoping to get the latest Autumn Collection of Gucci? It’s the navy blue halter top with the glittering silver brooch in front?

Samantha: Err….i don’t have those. I’m only a temp staff and therefore my powers are limited. You ok with something from MNG?

Danielle: Yeah why not? Beggars cannot be choosers

Tada! Samantha dressed Danielle up in a white off shoulders dress matched her in earrings, and a nice bracelet from DeGems and a Miss Sixty clutch bag.

Danielle: Wow! I’ve never seen myself look so good. So I’m good to go?

Samantha: Hang on, your dress needs to be shorter and wait your boobs are not showing let me just pull this dress lower. Ok and don’t forget your fresh mints.

So off Samantha went, she couldn’t get a ride to the prom cuz stepmom was doing a belly dancing show for Tim and so she waited for the bus.

When she got to the prom, everything seemed magical. She popped a freshmint and hei presto her bad breath was gone. She went looking for Sean but he was nowhere to be found, she later found out that in his extreme state of self consciousness, he decided to skip prom when he woke up this morning and found a huge zit on his nose.

Left with no one to impress, Danielle told herself to fuck it and she could have fun all by herself. Some of the kids brought their own vodka and Danielle had not one or two but half a bottle and she partied so hard all nite.

She woke up the next morning with a really bad hangover and realized one thing, ‘you need not rely your happiness on a boy, you can have fun on your own and that she did’

She was happy over her new epiphany but also disappointed that she was grounded. You see, her stepmom found a hikkie on her Danielle’s neck and told her no social life for you young lady till you are 45.

As we speak, Danielle’s still at home waiting for another 28 years before she can party!

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

I’m all for give and take

As long as he’s giving and I’m taking J. How much of equality are you willing to practice in your relationship. In some parts of the world, the ladies give and give and give and now you see a new trend emerging these days, women are willing to give depending on what the man is willing to compromise.

Ha ha, smart move!

But if you met the right one, whose company you enjoy, whose touch sends you to the moon, whose voice sweeps you off your feet, whose love gives you the security and whose attention makes you the center of his world, would you give him your all?

Would you still be calculative in your actions for him? Or you would do anything to make him happy, because when you have met the right one and have fallen completely head over heels with him, nothing matters any more. No more games, no more ego just pure love in its simplicity.

Thursday, September 3, 2009

The Dog

Yes, I have a dog in my apartment. Well, she’s not really my dog but my housemate’s and I’m the Godmother. We both share custody of Cleo. She’s a miniature schnauzer and she’s absolutely adorable. She’ll have you eating out of her palm in no time. Her eyes are so hypnotic, she could get away with murder and yes, we do charge her for rent if you ever need to get away from the cops.

What do I like about Cleo? Anything and everything. She’s amazingly affectionate. She’s so playful, she’s so loving and sometimes a tad bit silly. She whines when we leave and is excited when we come home. She yelps in excitement and dances around us the moment we open the door. She follows us to the kitchen, the bathroom, to our personal rooms and waits for us patiently to finish anything we are doing. She lies on you or sits nearby when you ignore her and places her head right smack in the middle of a book you are reading if you fail to pay her any attention. With all that, you just can’t get angry with that furry canine because once you meet Cleo you are smittened

Which brings me to today’s question: Why a dog can be much better than a man?

A dog is always emotionally available

A dog is always emotionally available

6 months later and the dog is still interested in you

A dog will never stray

A dog always knows who’s its owner

A dog listens to instructions

A dog never has trouble cuddling up

A dog always wants to be with you and by your side

A dog never gets bored

A dog wants a relationship with you

There’s also another one on why a cucumber is much better than a man but we’ll save that for a later post