Those nasty PMSes

The most inconvenient thing to hit a woman every month is her menstruation. Yes, the dreaded monthly cycle which keeps us heading to the ladies every 4 hours for a change of pad. Back in the school days, leakages were common, we had to always look behind our pinafore skirts or get a friend to check for us. When the pipe bursts and gets all over your skirt, you run as fast as you can to wash your pinafore, those were the worst times. It was every school girl’s nightmare.

Not to forget those nasty PMS syndromes. How do you explain the crazy things that hit you – the acne, the crankiness, the unappeased appetite, the bloated body, the never ending crying, the bad mood swings, the migraines and the excruciating cramps where you feel like your intestines are being twisted and pulled on both ends. Who can blame us for turning into nasty bitches when we have our periods?

The irony of having your flow, is that as much as you hate having it, the moment you don’t you know you are fucked…..literally!

For younger women, feelings of exasperation will hit us and we count back the last time we engaged in some doggy style and for the older women, the dreaded menopause has hit them. I guess you can’t live with them and you can’t live without them.

Its funny, back then if flow was in town, your lifestyle would be impeded; we were unable to go for a swim or get to the third base but voila all that has turned around now. Yes, nowadays if you plan to go swimming, you don’t have to worry about the pool turning red. Tampon solves that for you and I shall not go into details on the application side.

Now, let’s get to the saucier part, my housemate an ex journalist came home one day exclaiming that having sex while you are bleeding is no longer a problem! The answer – Softcup!

Yes, its basically a cup that you push right through your ahem. It holds twice as much fluid as a tampon and you can use one cup for the whole day and get this ladies and gentleman, you can use it during sex!

This is great news to all horny people out there, you can have sex anytime you want, you never have to worry about dirty sheets plus your partner is not able to feel it inside of you while he’s humping you to the ground.

Now my only question, would having an orgasm be an issue for the ladies?

Tick…tock….tick…tock…. there goes my biological clock

Now who’s is the most constant person to remind you that you are getting old and if you don’t get hitched soon, you are going to have troubles getting pregnant. You are damn right!! Its our moms!!!!

Its funny how they are attuned to our bodies more than we are to ours. Yes, I worry sometimes about the fertility of my eggs. God knows when I would get married and would my eggs still be fresh when I intend to continue my lineage, but let’s get real; firstly to find a man who’s is nice to have a relationship would be a big challenge, secondly to find someone who’d wanna commit to marriage …ha ha ha, yeah sure fat chance of that happening and suppose you are lucky enough to find such a man, asking him about when you want to start a family and him replying right away are the same odds as catching Santa Claus sliding down your chimney on Christmas eve.

Realize how the biological clock is not a constant clock? It happens to every woman at different ages of their lives, I have younger friends who have had theirs beating already while mine is yet to kick in. I have come to believe my biological clock’s batteries are dead, that probably explains the procrastination.

According to this website, http://www.extendfertility.com/, when it comes to issues of fertility, it is the age of the egg, not the age of the woman that matters most. Women are born with a finite number of eggs, around 1 million. At puberty, that number has dwindled to 400,000 and subsequently approximately 750 eggs are lost each month. The eggs not only begin to diminish in quantity, but also in quality. The combination of these factors leads to a woman’s fertility beginning to decline in her 20’s and significantly deteriorating after age 35.

So yeah even if I wanted babies, I’d still need a sperm to help me with that arrangement and with mom’s old fashioned idea on how you need to get married first and then have kids, I can kiss the idea of heading off to a sperm bank goodbye!

Don’t give me sweet, give me hot!

Sex is the pop culture and its here to stay. Everything is getting shorter, wider and lower!

Everyone wants to look sexy, men, women and even Paris Hilton’s Chihuahua. How is it that something kept most private in the bedroom burst out one day announcing its intention to sexy-larise everyone on this planet.

People who say sexy is just an inner confident feeling is utter bullshit, advertisers tell you, you can only feel sexy if you are wearing something that exposes your cleavage or your butt cheeks or both. How many advertisements have you seen in a fashion magazine that doesn’t sell sex?

We have cosmetic, sunnies, jeans, perfumes, dresses, shoes, colours, hairstyles, hats to make us look faboosh even if we don’t have the body to compensate for it. Less is more and all men are probably agreeing to this. Sex sells like hot buns! Skinny jeans that show off your ass crack is so in now, everyone wants a lipstick that would make their lips look plump and juicy.

Look at the artists transition who started from the girl next door image. Jessica Simpson went from sweet and innocent to a tramp in her videoclip These Boots Are Made For Walking (yes I know all of you are going to be checking this video now) She was in a skimpy red bikini and washing a car, occasionally she missed the car and started foaming herself. Then, you had Janet Jackson the cute bubbly youngest Jackson dancing around with her famous key earring and black outfit that covered every inch of her body. Then pow!! She shed all her lbs and clothes and posed for her album cover Janet. She was in jeans with some anonymous hands from her behind covering what her bra should have been doing. You also had Christina Aguileira, whatever happened to her? Her jeans were cut out to expose her G-string and she was getting wet and having girl fights, in short fulfilling every man’s fantasy in her videoclip Dirrty.

Mother Teresa ain’t getting the highest website hits now. Its all about Paris Hilton and her infamous sex tape, Beyonce Shaking her booty, Shakira rolling herself on mud, Pussycat Dolls with pushing their buttons (pun intended!) and now Lady Gaga who strolls down the streets with no pants.

The French Vogue for July issue tried to glamorize the anti-pants fashion. I can’t imagine wearing just a shirt and my underwear to office although that could raise my chances of getting a promotion but the thought of walking around the streets of KL in that get up that will not make me feel sexy but slutty and the last thing I need is a car pulling over next to me and asking how much to boost my sex appeal!

Cheating in smells

Body odor - everyone’s nightmare because it’s something you don’t realize you have which everyone else can sniff and will bitch about behind your back. Your only hint? When you receive loads of cologne and perfumes during the company Christmas party.

Body odor is such a put off especially when you are in close proximity with others although I had a friend with really bad BO that we could sniff her a mile away.

However, maybe we should just dismiss this theory as something bad and turn the angle a 180^o. Research shows that pheromones can be sexually attractive to an unsuspecting victim…Yippee, lucky us! According to Darwin, scents are used for 2 distinct reasons, defense mechanisms like the skunk or sexual attraction, the deer rubbing its hind legs against trees to attract mates. I can’t imagine forcing myself a fart just to get rid of my boss or peeing near my condo to attract men. Ok, if the peeing part worked, that would be scary!

Although, unlike animals I doubt smell can be a main attraction for humans because our noses are just not sensitive enough to pick up natural scent unless it’s really bad. Playing on these notions, you have giant cosmetic companies introducing you to a blend of exotic scents with the promise of sex, lust and carnal pleasures all trapped in a bottle that will cost you about $150 which of course suckers like us fall for.

Hei, who doesn’t wanna smell seductive if it could be bought in a bottle?

Who says I love you first?

I read this joke somewhere, this woman asked her friend how to break up with her boyfriend, and the friend replies, easy just tell him you love him. Now why is it that love is the hardest word to say in a relationship? I believe because saying ‘I love you’ opens more than just floodgates but also invites landslides, volcanic eruptions, tsunamis and tornadoes. It breaks the boundaries of control and that wall you build around yourself.

Love is the most complex emotion and misconstrued word ever. Saying I love you entails actions and how many men/women have we dated actually did actions that reflected that?

What could be worse in saying I love you to the person you love? You become worried your partner would get scared of the commitment you just imposed on them. If I said I love you and he/she replied I love you too, would it be because they felt pressured they had to say it? Did they actually love you in the first place then? We always expect the man to say it first so that they wouldn’t run away if we say it first. Although I have met men who can look a woman straight in the eye and tell her he loves her without flinching and yet of course not mean it.

My English Literature teacher told us during high school that love is just a 4 lettered cheap word. At that time, we were stunned at her beliefs. How could she utter such blasphemy!! She had crushed our ideals of love and romance. She continues further, ‘love has no meaning. You don’t just say I love you to your husband’, you also say I love my bag or I love this colour and I love this shoe that I just got. Today you say I love you to your boyfriend, you break up the next day and you say I love to the next boyfriend.’

Have we been using the word love so blatantly that it is now lost in translation? I hope not, because the word love is the only word we can use to express how we feel towards that someone we don’t want to let go off. Take love away and we are left feeling hollow and empty.

So the next time I say I love you to that certain someone, I want to mean it and I don’t care who says it first because love breaks down ego. In the words of Max Ehrmann, Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is as perennial as the grass.