Cinderella …the modern day version

And so one day….Danielle’s dad left her mom to marry his secretary after they were caught doing some major, intensive workouts in the office. Soon, Danielle’s mom and dad were embroiled in a bitter custody battle until the dad decided to pay the mom off and Danielle was soon shipped over with dad and secretary to Belle Air

Now Danielle was the quiet sort of girl, she didn’t have many friends either. Frankly it was because she had bad breath and every time she opened her mouth, a fly died!

When she turned 17, everything had changed. The father left the family for another secretary and she was stuck with her step mom and 2 really hot sisters.

And soon prom came and no one asked Danielle to be their date…sucky. She was hoping for the school’s hottie Sean to ask her out but he was too busy hooking up with her step sister who happened to have brains, personality, fresh breath, a killer body and good looks and co-incidentally the school’s cheerleader. Another brownie point for the step sister!

So on prom nite with no date, Danielle decided to stay home. But she quickly changed her mind when her mom staggered home drunk with a beefy construction worker named Tim around her arm. She knew she had to leave the house when she overheard the stepmom slur, ‘let’s get you out of this clothes right now, my girls ain’t home’

Danielle hurriedly looked for something decent to wear but alas her closet was only filled with jeans and t-shirts. She rushed over to her step sisters’ rooms and well ….they were locked.

And so she made a wish, a wish for her to be able to find the perfect dress and head to prom and meet her knight in shining armour.

And so she waited…..and waited, it was almost 10 and she was still waiting.

Meanwhile, in fairyland, there was a union strike as the fairy godmothers were tired of fulfilling everyone’s own desires except their own – to have time for their own spa, medi and pedi cures, body wraps and facials. They were tired of looking like beaten old and wrinkled grandmothers but wanted to spot a more youthful appearance. So, as you can see, there was really no one there to hear Danielle’s wish…except for one.

Her name was Samantha. She was a single and unemployed mother of 5 kids. Kicked out of her last job as a cocktail waitress for flirting with another married woman in front of her husband, Samantha was determined to try out for the temporary filling of fairy godmother post while the union was still on.

And so off she went to visit Danielle. Poof! She appeared.

Danielle: Wo dude! Who are you?

Samantha: I’m your fairy god sista. I heard you wanted to head to a prom?

Danielle: Yeah!! So you gonna help me?

Samantha: That depends, have you been a good girl or a bad girl?

Danielle: Isn’t that Santa’s line? Oh well, definitely good. I study all the time. Do my homework, get straight A’s, no boyfriends, no sex, no smoking, no drinking and I’ve never touched a joint in my life.

Samantha: Shit! You have been a bad girl then. Ok look, i need this job to feed my kids, so let’s drop all formalities and get you fixed up for the prom.

Danielle: Cool, ok I was hoping to get the latest Autumn Collection of Gucci? It’s the navy blue halter top with the glittering silver brooch in front?

Samantha: Err….i don’t have those. I’m only a temp staff and therefore my powers are limited. You ok with something from MNG?

Danielle: Yeah why not? Beggars cannot be choosers

Tada! Samantha dressed Danielle up in a white off shoulders dress matched her in earrings, and a nice bracelet from DeGems and a Miss Sixty clutch bag.

Danielle: Wow! I’ve never seen myself look so good. So I’m good to go?

Samantha: Hang on, your dress needs to be shorter and wait your boobs are not showing let me just pull this dress lower. Ok and don’t forget your fresh mints.

So off Samantha went, she couldn’t get a ride to the prom cuz stepmom was doing a belly dancing show for Tim and so she waited for the bus.

When she got to the prom, everything seemed magical. She popped a freshmint and hei presto her bad breath was gone. She went looking for Sean but he was nowhere to be found, she later found out that in his extreme state of self consciousness, he decided to skip prom when he woke up this morning and found a huge zit on his nose.

Left with no one to impress, Danielle told herself to fuck it and she could have fun all by herself. Some of the kids brought their own vodka and Danielle had not one or two but half a bottle and she partied so hard all nite.

She woke up the next morning with a really bad hangover and realized one thing, ‘you need not rely your happiness on a boy, you can have fun on your own and that she did’

She was happy over her new epiphany but also disappointed that she was grounded. You see, her stepmom found a hikkie on her Danielle’s neck and told her no social life for you young lady till you are 45.

As we speak, Danielle’s still at home waiting for another 28 years before she can party!

I’m all for give and take

As long as he’s giving and I’m taking J. How much of equality are you willing to practice in your relationship. In some parts of the world, the ladies give and give and give and now you see a new trend emerging these days, women are willing to give depending on what the man is willing to compromise.

Ha ha, smart move!

But if you met the right one, whose company you enjoy, whose touch sends you to the moon, whose voice sweeps you off your feet, whose love gives you the security and whose attention makes you the center of his world, would you give him your all?

Would you still be calculative in your actions for him? Or you would do anything to make him happy, because when you have met the right one and have fallen completely head over heels with him, nothing matters any more. No more games, no more ego just pure love in its simplicity.

The Dog

Yes, I have a dog in my apartment. Well, she’s not really my dog but my housemate’s and I’m the Godmother. We both share custody of Cleo. She’s a miniature schnauzer and she’s absolutely adorable. She’ll have you eating out of her palm in no time. Her eyes are so hypnotic, she could get away with murder and yes, we do charge her for rent if you ever need to get away from the cops.

What do I like about Cleo? Anything and everything. She’s amazingly affectionate. She’s so playful, she’s so loving and sometimes a tad bit silly. She whines when we leave and is excited when we come home. She yelps in excitement and dances around us the moment we open the door. She follows us to the kitchen, the bathroom, to our personal rooms and waits for us patiently to finish anything we are doing. She lies on you or sits nearby when you ignore her and places her head right smack in the middle of a book you are reading if you fail to pay her any attention. With all that, you just can’t get angry with that furry canine because once you meet Cleo you are smittened

Which brings me to today’s question: Why a dog can be much better than a man?

A dog is always emotionally available

A dog is always emotionally available

6 months later and the dog is still interested in you

A dog will never stray

A dog always knows who’s its owner

A dog listens to instructions

A dog never has trouble cuddling up

A dog always wants to be with you and by your side

A dog never gets bored

A dog wants a relationship with you

There’s also another one on why a cucumber is much better than a man but we’ll save that for a later post

A woman’s life support system

If there is one thing a woman can never survive without, its her girlfriends. Yes, a group of girls coming together for their ladies night out, catching up on old times, the gossiping and bitching about each other…yup good memories.

When you get back from a great date, who do you call? Your girlfriend of course because she shares in the excitement with you as you tell her everything that took place in great detail and she breaks it down and analyses it for you. When you start seeing someone, you always need your girlfriend’s approval. You arrange an innocent meet between your significant other and your girlfriends, and they will end up telling you whether he’s good for you. You don’t have to impress the parents that much but you definitely have to be on your best behavior with your lady’s friends, they can shred you if they want to.

When your day goes wrong, when you have been proposed, you find out you are pregnant, we all call our girlfriends to tell them about it. Imagine calling up your male friends and going, John, guess what?? I just got proposed. Martin got down on his knees. John’s reply would be, ‘err….Congratulations!! (mutters under his breath, dumb Martin)..anyway I gotta go, Catch you later, bye’

Call your girlfriend and she will squeal in delight, asking you how it happened, where’s the ring from, how many carats, when’s the wedding, how did he propose and while you go into lengthy details, she gushes in awe for you. See the massive difference?

You call each other up and talk for hours from how your day went, to your colleagues, to your boyfriends and his family, to meeting someone cute at the bus stop or simply because you are bored. Your girlfriend knows everything about you – your work life, your personal life, your sex life she knows all your friends, colleagues, bosses and acquaintances. Removing a girlfriend is basically removing your anchor.

A girlfriend is always there for the emotional support, but honestly if my car breaks down in the middle of nowhere at night, I would be calling my guy friend. See guy friends are there for security and protection, you go to a club, you know your guy friends will be there to make sure no one gets to you physically and you feel safe. But I can’t imagine calling my male friend up and asking, ‘Hei, I’m meeting Daniel tonite, should I wear something sexy or make it semi casual. I don’t want him to think I’m easily available so I have narrowed down my outfits to two dresses. One is a long black halter dress with a plunging neckline and the other is an off shoulder navy blue short dress.

What do you think?’

Getting over the dreaded ex

Yes him, the jackass that broke your heart, left you for another woman, that didn’t pick up your calls, who said he was not ready for commitment after a night of passion. What makes us crave for these men so much? The fact that we cannot own them or that the closure was missing.

In every woman’s life, we would encounter at least one bastard, albeit some of us have a larger share in dating assholes. My theory to this is since God made us perfect, He has to give us that one thing to mess with our emotions and lives up. Aah…the conundrum of being perfect!

So how do we get over someone who trampled our hearts? Immediately delete whatever photos, numbers, letters, emails or smses you have of him, because going over those mushy times will only make you remember the good times and forget the fact that he dumped you!

And what is it about alcohol that fills your brain with hay and forces you to make that one call that will ruin your life forever…calling him!!! So the next time you decide to intoxicate yourself, surrender your phone to a good girlfriend who under no circumstances will hand you the phone for any call you desperately need to make at 4am.

Any bastard who wishes to remain friends after leaving you stranded is in one word a bastard…..and are we friends with bastards? No we are not cuz we deserve better than that. These sleazy men who want to be ‘friends’ have only one agenda in their head (am I not referring to the one resting on their shoulders ladies)

Use revenge and pain as your motivation to start looking great. The one thing every woman wishes for her ex to see, is her at her utmost best. Get a wax, tone your legs, flex those muscles, lose some weight, put some make up on, get a great pair of shoes and a sexy dress and strut yourself at his favorite joint. Let him feast his eyes and curse himself for letting you go

And finally what better way to get over him? Go on dates, although you won’t be emotionally ready for a commitment, but then again who’s asking you to get into a relationship. Just get back into the single’s world and enjoy the options that will be in front of you. You never know who becomes the hits or the misses if you don’t give it a try now, would you?

To play or not to play?

While men play the role of the prowlers, women on the other hand get into their hard to get MO. While all these ‘fowl plays’ are fun and exciting, is it really healthy?

What happens when the mind games are over and the thrill takes a downhill -he becomes tame and you conquered; at that time the only thing that will save you is your personality and skills in bed, heck what else is there to keep the fire burning?

What is it about mind games that keep us on our toes? He calls and you can only pick up after the 3^rd ring and if he doesn’t call for the second time, you are sitting on your bed with a tub of Ben & Jerrys wondering what happened. You can never appear too available; you always have to pretend you don’t care; and there’s that 3^rd day rule of calling. Calling on first day is desperation, second day is instant gratification and the third day is perfect because both of you will be missing each other. Who made all these rules up anyway?

What’s the objective in mind games? To not appear too easy? But why? Is it because we want the men’s respect or is it because we enjoy the chase? Do we want to be chased? Yes!! It builds our self esteem. But isn’t it a vicious cycle when the men’s interest is only in chasing and once he’s got you he’s already have you on his leash? So it continues and to avoid the control; you keep running and he keeps chasing.

I used to enjoy mind games …. about 10 years ago but I find as you grow older you only want to be honest and set the intention straight so that no one gets hurt and the man knows you are not in for a one night stand and that itself will eliminate at least 85% of the men out there

Bon Appetit

Anyone watching Bizarre Foods with Andrew Zimmern is sure to be repulsed by its gastronomy distaste. Would you reach out for that yummy meatball after watching the episode of him downing a frog's beating heart?

No sir, not me. I prefer my food to be familiar and cooked.

Imagine coming home after a hard day’s work and asking your loved one, what’s for dinner and hearing the following menu

Appetizer: Bull's rectum and testicles soup with stuffed pancreas
Main entree: Gourmet cow's mouth and a mix platter of intestine-encased organs
Dessert: chocolate-covered meal worms and crickets
Served with blood freshly-harvested from King cobras made into a straight cocktail and finished with civet dropping coffee

I read this fish soup recipe from Thailand in one of those weird food cookbooks. Now follow closely so that you too can prepare this at home for your loved ones. (I can’t remember the ingredients clearly but I do remember the preparation)

In a bowl, get some live rather small fish (about 1 cm long), if you can’t buy them off the market you can always fish them out of your aquarium. Throw in one lemon grass, chili, lime and ginger.

While all these fish are swimming merrily in your bowl, boil them under a slow fire and watch them die slowly. You don’t boil it under high heat else they would die fast and float all around the bowl and that would just be repugnant for the faint hearted *grin*.

No…..the trick is to slowly boil them so that all the fish would swim up into the lemon grass thinking they would be safe from harm and not knowing they are swimming to their doom. If the heat doesn’t kill them then probably claustrophobia would. Imagine 10 fish all stuck in a narrow passage inside a lemon grass and to savour this you suck on the lemon grass with all the fish suffocated inside.

Care to join us for a Sunday brunch?